worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
