A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
