a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
