Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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