As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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