Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
