I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
