I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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