Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
