The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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