i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
