So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
