I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
