when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
