can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
