I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
