Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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