im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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