He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
