based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
