I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
