At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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