***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
