Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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