I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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