I cannot find my penis.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
