Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Let's paint friendship bongs
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
