I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
