I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
