I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
