I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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