I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
