just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
