I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
