Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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