A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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