The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
