Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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