so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
