Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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