some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
