somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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