Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
