you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
