Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
