if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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