"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
