Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
