I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
