My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
