I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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