Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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