According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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