some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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