i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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